Thoughts on 13 Reasons Why

If nothing else, this show has gotten people to start talking about something that needs to be discussed. It’s not perfect, but they tried.

Before I say more, I will state that I am not arguing anyone’s point of view or stance on the show. It is up to each person and parent of minor children to determine what they watch. However, trying to remain open-minded about this topic, I am confused that some many people that I have read comments from on other sites and threads are shunning this show while watching far more graphic movies and tv shows in terms if showing suicides, murders, rapes, and other violent acts.

There is no way for a show like 13 Reasons Why to be perfect in the representation of what happened. If they had not shown the violence, then there would be others stating that it was down-played. The Making Of show that appears at the end of the season shows the people behind the show talk about why they made the choices that they did. I am not saying they were right or wrong. I can see both sides of the argument. I think that whatever their choice, there would be people who were upset. The story would not have the same impact had they not included the violence against her. I, in my humble opinion, do not think that they glorified the situations. Hannah’s face told me just how horrible it was.

I watched this show and I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have lived through things that I do not want to mention here but that have scared my psyche and have had lifelong influence and impacts on my life. It was painful to watch and it stirred up emotions within me. I am glad that I watched it though. It forced me to face things that I have ignored for a long time and probably must deal with again in the future. I don’t recommend to anyone that they should or should not watch the show. I didn’t know how the show would hit me so I am not in a position where I can tell someone that they are right or wrong. But I can say this: Watching that show reminded me that I am not the only person in the world who struggles or who has had dark thoughts. Hannah felt alone and unable to make people around her understand what things where like for her. She did not have the maturity or understanding to vocalize it. Some adults can't talk about it either. I have been there. Things going through my own mind, even as an adult, and not being able to make sense of it or to find a way to see the truth of things.

Distorted thoughts and thinking patterns can make it extremely difficult to calm down the mind. I even have an initial feeling of frustration and slight anger at suicide hotlines being thrown around. To me, because of what I have lived through, it comes across as “Go talk to someone else privately and don't bother or burden me.” Calling and speaking to a stranger may help initially for some, but after the line disconnects, the person is alone again and surrounded by people who – intentionally or not – may have given the impression that they don’t want to hear the bad stuff. Everyone has hard times and the loneliest I have ever felt was in a crowded room. I have been there and I could see that Hannah was there. (Please note that I do not mean that hotlines should not be shared or publicized because they do good and they have saved people. But sometimes, it may be that a friend or loved one can help just as much or more. Some people want to feel loved and feel like they are not a burden.)

People say that Hannah blamed others. Of course she did. Was she right? In her mind, she was because that is how she saw things. People did do things that hurt her – some intentionally and others not.

Bryce – yes, he was selfish and cruel.
Zach – yes he took from Hannah something that gave her happiness but I think he took her letter to heart.
Jessica – She was dealing with her own struggles and challenges. Another teenager who lacked the experience and maturity to process what she was dealing with.

And there were others she included. No one in that group thought it would go the way it did. Bryce definitely needed to be help responsible for what he did. That is a crime.

But Hannah wasn’t able to vocalize what she needed to say – not to Clay, her mother, the counselor, or anyone else. She knew she needs help but didn't know how to communicate that, especially when reflecting on how she has been repeatedly treated but others. How many times have we been in a discussion or fight where afterwards we think, “Man, I wish I had said this” or “I should have said that”. In times of emotional crisis, we can’t always make the right or best decision. I am pretty sure that later on, I am going to read this very post and think, “I worded that poorly” or “I should have included this” or “I should not have said that.”

This story is human in nature – one misunderstanding after bad choice made by someone after conflict over you name it. Humans are flawed creatures, all trying to figure out how to live long, healthy, happy lives surrounded by loved ones. And sadly, some can’t. Maybe there is someone to blame, maybe not.

Yes, the counselor in the show was ineffectual, but that was they were trying to show. They wanted us to see how we can fail to notice those in pain around us. We do assume that counselors are training to spot the warning signs, but they are human too and make mistakes and miss things. Hannah blamed these people in her tapes but I think it was also about trying to open their eyes to their own actions. They caused her pain and she wanted them to know that.

When she wrote that note and taped it into her bag, she explained to Zach what those little pieces of paper meant to her and how his actions were hurting her. And the fact that she said on the tape that she saw him through a wadded-up piece of paper on the ground when he kept her know shows the weakness in the human mind. Did he throw down a crumpled-up piece of paper? Maybe he did and she thought it was her note but it was something else. Maybe her fear that she would continue to be ignored and treated callously caused her to see something that was not there. (Mental issues possibly coming into play here induced by the stress of her situations). We don’t know exactly. But we do know her note was in his wallet afterwards. Hannah was in a crisis place and didn’t know how to help herself. And she had fallen into that harmful pattern of thinking that no one noticed or cared.

This show should be carefully considered and then the viewer (or guardian) makes the decision whether to proceed. Some people may not realize hot the show will affect them. That is no one's fault. I do not think that the people involved in the show should be shunned or punished for trying to do something ultimately good (raise awareness). Nothing I have seen or read about the show makes me think they were trying to hurt viewers or cause triggers. They were not making light of the situation.

I am not trying to lay blame on those who did watch it but struggled with their own mental health afterwards. I took a chance when I watched it and yes, it bothered me. But suicide should always bother people. Rape should always bother people. Same with bullying. So if someone who watches this show does have difficulties afterwards, I hope they have someone in their life that they can turn to. They should not be alone to deal with something that is so difficult to deal with.

No one is right or wrong for watching or not watching.

I recently read an article where Kate Walsh, who played Hannah’s mother, commented on the suicide scene: “Speaking at a screening hosted by the SAG-AFTRA Foundation in New York City, Walsh defended the brutality of Hannah’s death. “I feel really strongly, and [creator] Brian [Yorkey] felt very, very strongly that this should be a very graphic, ugly, ugly thing, so that there’s nothing left to the imagination,” she told the audience. “People still can romanticize [suicide] and make it Ophelia floating in a pond with f***ing flowers and listening to Morrissey, and they go out quietly, dreamily, sleepily, peacefully — and it’s not. It’s painful, and it’s hideous, and [Brian] was very clear about wanting to make sure that it was not romantic at all.”” She has a point. Romeo and Juliet romanticizes it. But there has not been an outcry for that story.

After going through all that, there is no easy answer. But, this show has gotten people talking, of that there is no doubt. And the conversation from the show may lead to an even better solution or awareness of the issue. We can all hope.

I believe in humanity.

Years ago, I found myself in a bad situation. I was mistreated pretty badly by someone who I thought loved me. It got out of hand and before I knew it, I felt I was stuck believing that I was sorry, stupid, and just a big mess up that ruined everything I touched. That this person was doing me a huge favor by being in my life. It was like I needed this person to save me from myself.

It did a number on my way of thinking. Sadly, I sometimes find myself back in that mindset. Full of fear and self doubt. Worried that the next person will eventually see my faults and inadequacies and run for the hills. One thing seems to go wrong and the apocalypse goes off in my brain. It's very frustrating, terrifying, and lonely to muddle through. It makes things difficult for me when interacting with other people and, by default, makes it difficult for the people that I am interacting with.

So when I meet people who see this side of me and they stick around, I value them more than money.

Even through all this, I am a sensitive person. I feel things deeply. And I still believe in the good of people, of humanity. I cannot believe that everything is course and abrasive. I can feel music and I can appreciate the beauty of a flower or a painting or the hard work that someone else put into a project whether or not I like the finished product. I sometimes just enjoy looking at someone watching TV or playing on their phone because I appreciate their presence in my life. My friends and family are important to me.

People matter.

There is a lot of animosity and hard feelings out there through recent current events. People say things out of anger and they call people names. It's impossible to know how the person receiving that information will take it. I'm not saying that we should walk on eggshells around everybody, but there must be another way to communicate and discuss perspectives without attacking other people indiscriminately. Emotions are there and should be respected. It would be amazing if we could have a completely rational and objective conversation on hot topics, but the human factor cannot be ignored. We are not Vulcans. There is a balance.

Respect. Acknowledge.

This does not mean that you have to agree.

It's been a while

So, it's been a while and I have unsuccessfully posted anything beyond my first post in over 5 months. But here I am again. I am not in the habit of doing this (obviously) but today, I had a thought. I, along with my boyfriend, have started walking in the morning. We both want to get healthier. I want to lose weight too. And as a large woman, I have huge obstacles to overcome.

I am not, nor will I ever be, a supermodel. I will always be on the bigger side of life, and that is okay. I just want to feel good. Right now, my body aches and I believe most of that is due to my weight and my lack of exercise. Now that I am walking and stretching, I have to deal with the thoughts that come along with it.

You know the ones. The ones that tell you that you can't do it or that you will not lose weight. The vain ones that focus on the superficial and not the reality. Of course I want people to tell me that I am pretty or beautiful. Of course I want to hold my head high in the knowledge that I don't look like a blob bouncing and jiggling down the street. But I want to be healthy.

My boyfriend and I have plans - places to go and things to see. But we need to be able to enjoy it without struggling to breath or just wanting to go to bed early. He is a great guy that I am so happy to have in my life. I want him to have a wonderful life and I want to be a part of that. I can't if I can't keep up.

So here I go. Onward through the obstacles. Past the negative voices in my head. And I have to believe that I have the stamina and endurance to get past the worst of it. It will not be easy. My body is not used to exercise, but I have to do it if I want to reach my goals.

So, here I am. Checking out my ability to blog something worthy of someone else's time and attention. All I can do is just be me. Sometimes, I may have something interesting to say. Other times, it may be though provoking and intellectually stimulating. Who knows, I may post something that will start an earth shattering revolution in human interaction that will bring about the long awaited area of peace, love, and tranquility.

Okay, let's get honest. I may have nothing of value to share. I could just be typing out a bunch of nonsense and stringing together words that lack value. But as long as it makes someone smile, even if it is just a single person, then I'll take it.