I believe in humanity.

Years ago, I found myself in a bad situation. I was mistreated pretty badly by someone who I thought loved me. It got out of hand and before I knew it, I felt I was stuck believing that I was sorry, stupid, and just a big mess up that ruined everything I touched. That this person was doing me a huge favor by being in my life. It was like I needed this person to save me from myself.

It did a number on my way of thinking. Sadly, I sometimes find myself back in that mindset. Full of fear and self doubt. Worried that the next person will eventually see my faults and inadequacies and run for the hills. One thing seems to go wrong and the apocalypse goes off in my brain. It's very frustrating, terrifying, and lonely to muddle through. It makes things difficult for me when interacting with other people and, by default, makes it difficult for the people that I am interacting with.

So when I meet people who see this side of me and they stick around, I value them more than money.

Even through all this, I am a sensitive person. I feel things deeply. And I still believe in the good of people, of humanity. I cannot believe that everything is course and abrasive. I can feel music and I can appreciate the beauty of a flower or a painting or the hard work that someone else put into a project whether or not I like the finished product. I sometimes just enjoy looking at someone watching TV or playing on their phone because I appreciate their presence in my life. My friends and family are important to me.

People matter.

There is a lot of animosity and hard feelings out there through recent current events. People say things out of anger and they call people names. It's impossible to know how the person receiving that information will take it. I'm not saying that we should walk on eggshells around everybody, but there must be another way to communicate and discuss perspectives without attacking other people indiscriminately. Emotions are there and should be respected. It would be amazing if we could have a completely rational and objective conversation on hot topics, but the human factor cannot be ignored. We are not Vulcans. There is a balance.

Respect. Acknowledge.

This does not mean that you have to agree.

It's been a while

So, it's been a while and I have unsuccessfully posted anything beyond my first post in over 5 months. But here I am again. I am not in the habit of doing this (obviously) but today, I had a thought. I, along with my boyfriend, have started walking in the morning. We both want to get healthier. I want to lose weight too. And as a large woman, I have huge obstacles to overcome.

I am not, nor will I ever be, a supermodel. I will always be on the bigger side of life, and that is okay. I just want to feel good. Right now, my body aches and I believe most of that is due to my weight and my lack of exercise. Now that I am walking and stretching, I have to deal with the thoughts that come along with it.

You know the ones. The ones that tell you that you can't do it or that you will not lose weight. The vain ones that focus on the superficial and not the reality. Of course I want people to tell me that I am pretty or beautiful. Of course I want to hold my head high in the knowledge that I don't look like a blob bouncing and jiggling down the street. But I want to be healthy.

My boyfriend and I have plans - places to go and things to see. But we need to be able to enjoy it without struggling to breath or just wanting to go to bed early. He is a great guy that I am so happy to have in my life. I want him to have a wonderful life and I want to be a part of that. I can't if I can't keep up.

So here I go. Onward through the obstacles. Past the negative voices in my head. And I have to believe that I have the stamina and endurance to get past the worst of it. It will not be easy. My body is not used to exercise, but I have to do it if I want to reach my goals.

So, here I am. Checking out my ability to blog something worthy of someone else's time and attention. All I can do is just be me. Sometimes, I may have something interesting to say. Other times, it may be though provoking and intellectually stimulating. Who knows, I may post something that will start an earth shattering revolution in human interaction that will bring about the long awaited area of peace, love, and tranquility.

Okay, let's get honest. I may have nothing of value to share. I could just be typing out a bunch of nonsense and stringing together words that lack value. But as long as it makes someone smile, even if it is just a single person, then I'll take it.